when you get into your new apartment,
the new york city lights polluting your room,
i hope you think of the good times we had.
when we would sit in your bed together,
laughing at those plastic little stars i hung.
the pathetic green glow they gave off,
as they watched us tangle ourselves in eachother.
i hope you don't think of me as bad,
although you probably already do.
just know that i think you're great,
and i never knew love would hurt so much.
you're right though, and just to say the things
that are on your mind, that you didn't want to ask:
i never did those things you thought i did.
god, i can't believe this.
you're are fucking right,
you are so right.
so when i give myself weekly timelines to live by,
and you're just livin' in the moment,
i know you've forgotten about me.
cause the only way i can move,
is by telling myself that one day i'll be happy.
so, i tell myself
"this week he'll come back"
and then when you don't,
"in two weeks he'll miss me"
and then you don't and i tell myself
"in three weeks he'll cry"
and when i see that you're happy,
and i'm still a wreck, i know that i deserve everything.
so, while i sit here and dwell on the past,
ignore the advice i've been given,
and you're out into the world,
i know i've lost you.
my love, please protect yourself.
you were mine, you were once my world,
and now the thought of someone else running
their fingers through your thick, black hair
makes me sick.
because i had it, and now i've lost it.
those bony, narrow fingers
that used to fit perfectly with mine
will find a new resting place,
in between some other girls thighs.
and while you're out in the big city,
watching the buildings spin,
and the taxi's speeding by,
please take care of yourself.

remember the nights we had?
that day you told me "i love you",
and i said it back?
remember everything that we've
done together?
remember everything i did wrong?
oh, well those days are over now.
nothing wrong with moving on,
i suppose.
just know that i'm missing you,
and i just don't know what to say now.
couldn't believe something like this could happen
i thought we were forever.
but, i don't deserve you.
but i'm just trying,
i'm tryin' to change, cause there's nothing
left to do.
maybe i'll save the heart-break for the next one,
and i'll give him your number,
and he'll call you up.
and from the receiver he'll whisper
"i'm sorry, but she's changed. thanks for sacrificing your heart"
and you'll sit on the phone,
trying to remember the things that went wrong.
and you'll rack your mind and you'll think of me,
and you'll picture that time that i kissed someone else.
that night you sat outside your house in the warm summer night,
and you poured your heart to me.
when you watched me sit next to you,
and you wished you could hate me.
i sat with you, and i vowed never to do it again.
and did i?
did i?
you'll talk back into the reciever, and you'll yell
"stay away from her, she doesn't deserve you"
because you remember how i stole your innocence.
and i sit here, trying to blame you
when i know it was me.
you see, i don't really hate myself
i just hate the things i do.
maybe one day you'll see i'm trying to change.
i was foolish to think someone like you would
stay with someone like me.
foolish to think that someday you'd miss me.
don't i get it?
there's nothing to miss, because i can tell you,
i was a bitch.
i'm latching onto time, clawing my way back
but it keeps pushing me forward.
i try to change my mindset,
but i'm still stuck in this hole.
last night i walked through josh's hallway,
it's strange always going home alone.
i felt like it took hours to walk through,
the tacky hotel-like carpeting looking up at me,
the florsecent lighting shoving this realization down my throat.
i waited for the suttle rumble of the elevator coming up the shaft,
i stared at my feet, and i thought of you.
i think you'd like my new shoes.
i was soon surrounded by the night sky,
and got in my car alone.
i drove alone, i bought cigarettes alone.
i feel like i walk these streets alone now.
always moving, because when i stop,
i stop to think of you.
i don't want to sleep,
because you're the only thing i can dream about.
so, i keep my lights on, and push the sleep away.
i play the music that will let me sink further into the emptiness that i feel.
the bed reminds me of you the most,
it's been cold for so many days.
i still leave pillows on your side incase you decide you ever
want to take the chance.
a chance on me.

so tonight,
when i drove myself home again,
the lines fuzzy on the street,
i played the songs that you write about,
cause i know that's the closest i'll ever get to you.
i sang every word, and then i thought of you.
maybe we were both listening to the same song at the moment,
and for that time,
we were reconnected for a little while.
but, i don't think you get it,
and i'm not sure i even get it.
but when i look up into the bluest of night skies,
i remember when you told me you liked to drive
with your headlights off.
so, i turn my high-beams on,
and they guide my way home,
just like you used to do.

and watched the ocean dance under the moon
and there was a girl i knew there, one more potential lover
i guess that something's got to happen soon
because i know i can't keep living in this dead or dying dream
and as i walked along the beach and drank with her
i thought about my true love, the one i really need
with eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you

Just forget what you cannot replace
This sweet day is almost weightless and new
So I talk but no one can relate
To the fear I had when I was younger
'Cause somehow I knew I'd end up empty and alone
We all accept in the same tired way
The gentle shift of continuous change
And we confuse all the things that we say to ourselves
With the things we say to each other, it's always a lie
But at least we find some comfort for awhile
So we'll start where the others left off
Get in our cars and embrace something new
Once you escape you will always get caught
In the fear that what you had before was better
And you will become sick with the dream of going back
To the old

when I'm gone will you believe me?
feels like i'm dying.

everything i asked for
i threw it all away.
i still love you.

Death is not a lover.
I'm sorry, I can't do it alone.
A dance of terror,
Phantoms not heard,
A distinct creaking.
Only hope for eternal nothingness;
we're still the good guys.
Alabaster bones cast up in shadow,
The long dry crack of shearing limbs.
I'm sorry, I can't do it alone.
Run, he whispered.
Run.
Taught face and hollow eyes,
Such a strange beauty.
Then nothing.
Nothing.
The silence.
I'm sorry, I thought I could.
Rousing slowly from their sleep,
Hands clawed inside his sleeves.
Naked and translucent.
I won't leave you
I can't do it alone.
I hope it with all my heart,
Like an orphan waiting for a bus.
A common provenance in pain.
I'm the one.
Shivering and hugging himself.
I'm the one.
Standing there raw and naked
Filthly, starving.
A slatlike creature,
kneeling in the ashes like a penitent.
I'm the one, I'm sorry.
Nothing.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache
in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get,
or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to
bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have
misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.
And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.
And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people
who make you feel worthwhile again. And little peices of your soul will finally come back. And
all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

i woke up in the ocean
i sunk miles deep
i could drown here for hours
without feeling my lungs leak
move my waterlogged bones
without hearing my joints creak
give you all of my breath
without having to speak

and i could love
you forever or
i could be wrong
i could fall to my
knees or could
try to be strong
and i could think
twice but i can't
wait that long

because i don't think i've
ever been this scared before
i can't sleep on my bed so
i'll lay on the floor
but the ache in my chest pounds
till my ribs are sore
and i can't count one thing
i know anymore

see i had all these plans until you came around
had it under control til i knew what i'd found
and i still can't sleep so i'll go underground
but the ache in my gut makes this animal sound

because i can't escape
i'm this mammal displayed
and the curse of my race
is the flesh that he made

everything has changed
it took only two days
now you're coursing through me
and nothing's the same.